I DIDN'T WANT YOU READING IT.. IT WOULDN'T BE HERE
August 4,
1999- Well life is alright, except i'm pretty sure that i don't have a
girlfriend anymore. not that i was ever really sure that i had one in the
first place. but whatever. work is alright although i have been having
a hard time making myself get up at 6:30 in the am. having fun between
naps though. uhh. the band is finally really starting to come together.
more time will make us the best of the best. i have sad news for all of
my friends and those interested in all of this crap about me. i'm moving
to a place where it's going to be really hard for me to make changes to
this project. so it'll be awhile before you see anything new here.. at
least untill i fix the parents computer (peice of crap) but anyhow, i'll
see you around or whatever. keep well and have fun with life
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July 24,1999- Well gee hasn't my life changed.
bussing tables now at a place called the Bakery Restraunt. i sell doughnuts
and clean tables, and i also take peep's money for our services. my bosses
are a strange lot. two Korean families sharing a business. they seem that
they can be ruthless, but seem sweet in their own little ways. it's alright
if your into having one day a week off. anyhow. Things between Heather
and i look grim, it seems to me that things just aren't going to work out.
especially now that were both working, her on graveyards and me on swings.
the way we live life leaves us both dead asleep in the middle of the day.
we'll figure it out or the relationship is going to die. I don't feel
very good about that at all, but whatever. i suppose i'll live. the new
Red Hot Chili Peppers album rocks nads. and has at least seven varieties
of groove to it. I'm so tan it hurts my irish blood. my face feels
so hot all of the time. but whatever, nobody cares about that untill i'm
on the dance floor and i take off my shirt. which i'm thinking about doing.
i dunno, we'll see. just gotta make a call to see if i'm going to go see
south park tomorrow or not. was sopposed to go see it last weekend, but
things didn't work out. whatever.
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July 1, 1999- Well life is back to being mildly confusing. nothing new
about that. at least i'm level headed now. Heather (my gf) is taking some
time to sort out her personal issues. i dunno if that means i'm about to
get dumped or what. but i'm ready for it. i think however that the next
time i see her i'm gonna give her the ball and see what she does with it
"i'm your friend and it's up to you where our relationship goes, but your
not gonna get away with telling me to fuck off." whats the worst thats
gonna happen. i get points for being reasonable and she has something to
think about. otherwise other weird things have been going down. Kendell
(my ex) is dealing with getting very close to getting dumped. and she loves
him but... he seems not to. and she is asking me for advise.. the strange
thing is that it seems she is being treated the same way i was at the end
of our romantic relationship. and now that she knows how it feels she is
doing some growing up.. i've turned her on to painting as a release. she
gave me a painting today. is good. lotsa anger released. anyway. i think
in this situation i should keep myself very focused to not give myself
to much of a good name. or we just might end up stuck in an ugly situation.
otherwise i have been working die-hard like at putting lyrics to my tunes.
sounds and feels great. i dunno. i got a great place to go and let it all
out, and nobody nearby to agrivate whilst i learn. life seems to be giving
me a whole bunch of clues this week.. feels good. now i just gotta start
working...
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June 23,1999- Life is uncool
when yours truley is forced to take a drug test. ahhh well.. is no problem
really. but whatever. I AM INVINCIBAL!!!! i feel so good, Heather and i
are together at last. been burning for her, she is truley beautifull..
some have upon observation called this "Recognition" and part of me wants
to believe it.. but i will not let my self fall so fast from the dark relm
in which i have grown to know so well, things seem perfect, but as always
it makes me suspicious of the bad things that may come. i dunno. for now
i am an top of the world. and that is all that counts. gettin jobbe, gotta
girl that i am for once realistic. ahhh all i need is beer and lemonaid.
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june 12, 1999- Graduation was very cool.. it
was an exciting cene.. people were crying and shouting.. it was very very.
Mom was weeping with joy.. and dad looked like he wanted beer. Afterwards
there was dancing. the binge is over after that much intake. of course
chugging a bottle of wastie juice beforehand was a good idea for it all.
lots of water on the schedual.. and i have to get cleaned up and
go get job.. i'll be waiting tables for tourists again. but this time it'll
be right across the street.. KICKASS!! i love getting forigner peoples
drunk and flirting with their daughters (who are usually in their twenties.)
Jim and i are debating getting a bigger apartment.. it would be alot cleaner.
it would be awsome. and it will be.. anyway. hed hurts, gotta go.
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June 10,1999- Reality was once something that i could depend on.. something
that i could reach out and touch, She was always there. and that is wherte
i felt most comfortable... it's taken nearly a year to get over the pain..
To get over the illusion. Put your hands on the screen and i'll pul you
through. it's a nice day and there is much spoiles to be collected upon..
The day that mom and day have waited for is tomorrow.. Gradimation.. Grandma
and brother mark come in tonite by plane. excited. also, it's practice
day so i have to superglue my fingers back together.. the torture is well
worth it.. repitition makes us stronger. i think however that i need to
find the matchbook so that i may call the drummin dude. so...NEWS UPDATE:
was just informed that mark will not be here for two days.. bummer. ah
well.. back to the dreaming
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June 6,1999- Some shit seems pretty
screwed up. others seem as thought it were ment to be. .
Well, in the past few days i have
been away on a road trip through canada and down into southeastern alaska.
it was a great trip that did not go as we had planned. but it worked out.
people in jail and everything. oh well.. very stoney. Kendell got back
from Hawiaii whilst i was away. she is very tan and has new tatoos.
were pretty tense right now though. i don't quite know why, but it's
really messing with me. ummmm. otherwise. i dunno life is pretty spiff.
i got no life worth livin, but i'm going to keep on living it.
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May 30,1999- Hmmmm not a hell of alot to
report really. Spend the week in near comatose. lots of party n' stuff,
everyones all cheery about this particular time. all i know is the club
was packed last night, all sorts of wylde crazies everywhere. even oofered
job to strip for cash.. not my style but. damn. it's all a big blur, if
i have another beer i'm sure i'll explode. took today off of the week binge.
and feeling alot better. as far as everyone else knows you can live off
the shit.. anyway i'm gonna go get into a major conversation with a bag
of ice and a peice of glass.. Amanda went away and all is well, got to
have some fun with the gang for a change.. everyone present had a better
than average time. but amanda as she is. always attracts some gi we had
to fend off.. Kendell's still in hawii. but, she'll be back before too
long. Playin the loner has it's quirks when deciding what your going to
do with the next four years of your life.. Though i'm finding it rather
hard to sleep.
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May 25,1999- Well everyone be
proud. I AM A GRADUATE OF THE UNITED STATES EDUCATION SYSTEM. not only
did i pass but i was rated at roughly 85% smarter than your average graduate...
i dunno how accurate that is.. but i'll relesh in it for a week or two.
whatever.. been a weird week. went and played at a bar called the Miners
saloon on saturday.. the crowd was well responsive to "Mr. super stage
presence" and his newly returned frum Japan buddie Landon.. even Hojo,
and Manus thought that we had done better or equal to them. though i had
never played any of the songs before, despite the curse of inevatable free
beer i guess i fit in like a pro.. i feel proud and have even been invited
back next week rumor has it, Miss Kendell is off in Hawiiee chillin and
exploring the meaning of life through MOWI-WOWWIE and has the urge for
me to say high to all. Jamie actually made a public appearence. and i am
trying to figure out how to hide the litesaber under my graduation robe.
I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A VERY INTENCE COMPLIMENT.. My pal and Star Wars
buddie Anya just compared my writing to Neil G. you know what i mean YO.
any how Amanda shows up in town in order to sort my thoughts on the lady
thing. it's always nice to have someone who knows you can be a mega asshole
and still chooses to sort your thoughts through your head with a crowbar,
and a bottle of bourbon. life is so nifty. anyway it looks like i have
no choice but to spend the next two years in fairbanks to go to school.
unless i can find the financial difference between UAF and PSU. it's all
good. as long as i get to walk across that stage twice.who would have ever
pictured yours truley getting his shit together.. go figure
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May 18,1999- Well you can't say we never
tried little one, but know i am driving myself mad,mad,mad. i think perhaps
i am trying too much right now. lost in a world of misunderstanding that
i don't want anything to do with.. i been made of glass. hy heart is the
only part you can't see through. Took the first part of the main body of
the GED test yesterday. tomorrow morning will be the second and final installment
of the test that makes me remember why i would rather put a bullet in my
head before going back through high school. trying to remember the last
time i felt so full of hatred for aything. but i find nothing.. i
want to record it all auraly. but as is this machine is wiggie with me
on such things and i don't have a tape recorder. Ahhhh my brother when
did we change lives? and why is it so hard to be myself? and so hard to
get a job. and why is it so hard right now to look myself in the eye. ahh
well i'll get better after i get all this outta my system.
i think i'm gonna add to the writings today
so. check it out if you have time.. "the world is watching, and i'm outnumbered.
Don't fuck with a crazy man i say don't fuck with a man in controll"
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May 13,1999- Ahhhhhh, it feels so good to be productive.. even when
your not really doing anything.. the past few days have been great fun,
yet challenging to my heart. but then that's what happens when you are
constantly hanging out with, "the one that got away". i dunno.. Kendell
and i have had some great fun in the past few days. xploring everything
we can geet our hands on.. including the town we live in.. watched the
sunset from atop ester dome the other day. It was a powrfull enough experiance
for me that i cried. i played guitar and she sang for the occasion.. some
dude was livin up there. he offered us some stew. we declined but he was
all about being our rythm section.. it was so cool.. after that we ended
up walking pretty much all around this town of fairbanks. it was very relaxing.
yesterday. we went to Jenna's (another friend, WooHoo) got pretty wastie
and enjoyed the sauce. played a pissy game where it has to be guys against
gals. and the object is to read each others minds on a variety of innuendo's
i'm not sure really how many of us were really amused by this,, but they
won.. now i'm off to go gert work so.. have a good one everyone.. i think
i will
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May 8,1999- Life is treating me
well.. i have been threatened to keep in contact (frequent) with some of
the people i feel truly comfortable with. i have no problems really. i
have spoken my mind and feel that i can once again speak freely in some
dissusions that have been current in issue. Danny and i composed two new
songs today and did good work on the existing songs.. hopefully soon we
can record them for you. god are my hands sore. played like a child today.
it was relaxing. the swingset was the best. i'm really so hopeless
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April 30,1999- I'm at odds wishing that all of my goals were that much
closer. but there not and i have no way to get myself closer to them at
the moment. life is a crashin party. i do nothing, i say nthing, and i
don't go anywhere. i'd like to say that i have fun and believe that my
friends really care.. but why then do they never hunt me down when the
tiume to have fun comes around.? anyway. there is nothing really new to
report. i been sitting around making tapes for people. and wishing to partake
of twelve 40's in one night. but.. broke again.. If i spend money un-wisely,
why don't i have any crap? i have rent in the bank right now. but howcome
i have nothing else? i dunno. i haven't even been out drinking in forever
(not a bad thing mind you) ahh well. today i'm going to make my fingers
bleed
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April 24,1999- Ever hang out
with someone that you feel is not really supposed to be there. every ation
of theirs can be mislead as a silent threat.? well last night i suppose
i had a couple of those. the first was a person that i consider myself
realitivly close to (though the relationship really needs some reconstuction)
i don't understaand how you an hang out with someone that has nothing to
say to you.. in return i had nothing to say because, well... I started
thinging about what iv'e been doing with my life. it seems that i am living
it all wrong.. i do have real friends. People that know me better than
myself in fact. i mean. sure oregon is where most of them are but.. there
are some still who linger here. in fact. it seems that even people who
i decided i couldn't trust. are better friends than i had believed. don't
get me wrong.. i have alot of friends who know and care about me. but.
in todays instant.. i'm not sure who i really do trust.. but i recognize
the people that i hold love for.. and i recognize the people that i love.
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April-23,1999-Well iv'e done it to myself..
and had help even.. no longer work at taco bell.. which means on monday
it's time to go and hook up un-employment.. unless thigs go right on saturday..
and then Danny and i will work for northland wood.. gotta admit though
that heading off and working at chena hot springs is a good idea.. i get
the space that i need from everybody and i would have no place really to
spend my cash. i heard that Denali was a good idea as well.. but i don't
know, well see... one thing about life that i will never understand.. it's
the way that an opinion can change..or a feeling for that matter.. anyways.it's
off
to go find workies
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April 22,1999- feeling very boxed
in by life right now... seems to me that there is nothing in this place
that could hope to bring me true happiness.. it is time it seems to sell
myself away to a place that is more forgiving than here.. for this is the
pit on which i must climb to escape through the oregon trail. my throat
is torn due to the intake of cigaretts. and i'm sick of them. my head is
on sideways because of the drink.. it is best that i flee. yet entertainedDanny
and i have made some progress.. in hopes that we'll soon work togetheralot
more time is seen dedicated in the makings of the sauce.. also. finally
feild tested the amp.. makes politely crunchy noises.. is good
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April 14,1999-Well.. life has been tiring.. been working almost constantly
for over a week now.. I'm a manager in training at Taco Bell... it's alright
i guess. has it's ups and down.. definatly getting a grip on Ebonics. even
learned how to keep a normal persons sleep schedual. otherwise i have been
relativly shitty.. git good news from the irs roday, having done my taxes
i get a bit of flow coming back to me. thought conflicting scheduals have
made it nieigh impossibal to see stephanie. i dunno.. there will be resoulution
there of some form soon.. so... i dunno.. otherwise Jim and i have been
living better and friendlier now that were both working. been alot happier
around here (about time)
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April 8, 1999-Another
cheery period of existance. i think perhaps i may have come across in a
time of good luck.. the job i have been offered is alright. Management
at taco bell.. mom's fed me some goods to keep the energy up for werkin..
but i got's a feelin i'll eat a lot of bell food.lookin to get myself a
second part time job and just save for awhile.. how else am i supposed
to get out of this hellhole. time time time.. hung out with kendell recently..
really enjoyed that. cleared up a good portion of my mind.. realized some
things that i don't feel like going into.. i seek freedom. otherwise,,
been hangin out with rick. chillin like dylan.. almost thinkin about catching
him at work.. i dunno
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April 4,1999- Another month has come and once again my perspective
on life has changed a brighter color has struck, only my regrets have come
calling.. i feel i treat people unfairly.. my expectations have opened
to a new horizen, i no longer see people in threatining ways. i see that
they are pretty much the same as me.. with different moods and feelings.i
want to be more open to everybody but i'm afraid something in my past may
have to do with it. i dunno, rantings by a man stuck within himself . trying
hard not to accept the harsh realities of life. but still.. i love it all
now
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March 28,1999- Sanity has lost it's place in my head. i dunno i feel
kindof strange... Brother Brian got married yesterday. i wish him the best
and feel happy for him.. but my past experiances make me worry..it's childish
i know.Went to dinner tonite at the gang's adopted mother's house (Kathy&Earl)
it was pretty badass.. Thorin Cooked. James and I B.S'ed and chilled. we
watched a movie.. got sick for awhile before all that.. it was due to Too
long of a shower. i dunno. it weirded me out to.Been feeling restless latley.
it's funny i waited all winter for this part of the year.and now that were
here i want to get the hell out,,MUST RESIST!!!! for now.i feel funny about
life.
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March 25,1999- Well kiddies.. anyone whose been here before is probably
looking over the whole site and thinking "WHAT THE HELL"?? but yes yes..
iv'e been way busy i can now offer you music even (god willing i'll even
record a whole bunch more soon.)i'm so happy happy happy....anyhow..i'll
leave you to check things out.. enjoy
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March 25, 1999- Life can be so good that it hurts,and still you find something that your not happy with. i feel as though one thing is missing and i don't know what it is. perhaps my surroundings are getting to me.. no,no. it's easily the way my life is working.i dunno. i guess i'm really unhappy because i should be working. i should have some sence of where my life is going. then again mabey it's just that i hung out with an immense pessimist all day. or perhaps it's just that i have only one cigarette left.. i dunno. i don't really want to quit just not smoke so much. ahh well. it's all just another day to think about. and i'm really bored right now
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March 22,1999- Feelin kinda wasty, i forgot to sleep again. ah well.
life is good.. spent much more time with Steph. my heart beats louder everytime
i even think of her. she's such a caring person. i would almost have to
say that i don't deserve her. (oh yeah. there are people out there who
say she's crazy.....well FUCK YOU!!!) i actually went to a couple of parties
this weekend. and i enjoyed myself. it was a new sort of thing for me,
i guess the bar scene was preperation enough,, (i never was a big fan of
parties when i was younger. well, i'm sleep deping agin. so i suppose i
really have nothing rational to talk about. which means i had better go
and check out some fractals..
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March 19,1999- Well, the weeks been slow and relaxing.. not alot been
done other than being with stepanie... watched a very cool sceince
show by Stephen Hawkings.. perhaps the most intellegen astronomer out there...
the movies theme seemed to be questioning the possibility on remembering
the future.. very cool stuff.. otherwise we've been dodging random people
and junking our minds with movies.. almost got sick but somehow avoided
it... life has been relitivly normal.. i was however offerd a jobbe so....
yeah.
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March 15,1999- well.. iv'e been out of touch the last couple of days,
but it was an awsome weekend with the exception of freezing feet and a
buncha hicks with shotguns.. jerimia got himself dead wasty and couldn't
have coped if we'd stayed in the scene of the next mass murder flick..
but then we saw some outhouse races and damn dude.. have you ever been
on a gold dredge.. well the one we visited was huge.. there was so much
about it.. and we explored it from top to bottom. from the hightes pointes
of the crows nest and the conveyor belts to the hatches down below.. it
was such a trip.. it was dissapointing however that steph and i hadn't
had any good rest at any point through the weekend.. but it was okay. it
just made things more amusing i think. now stephs sleepng next to me here,
finally putting a cap on all of the excitement this weekend held for us.
and i'm wishin i had a smoke so i could just sit here and watch for awhile..
with the smoke rising to the clouds
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March 12,1999-Hmm well iv'e kinda been out of it for the past couple
of days. off chasing my happiness.okay well i was holding it;s hand, but
anyway. keeping myself awake and lacking the ambition to clean house..
it's a beautifull day here in alaska.. i think i'm finally getting over
a powerfull set of insecurities that i have been carrying around for quite
some time.. i dunno.. i.ve been awake for a really long time so it's all
coming out sort of sencelessly but hey, i'll get back to you all.
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March 8,1999- been a gret couple of days. i don't even know how to express some of this goodness... ended up at me ladieloves house last night.. interacted with people, made some music. shared some secrets and played cards for toenails.. it was much better than the self piting motherfucker i had spent the day as. i don't know. been invited to a festival next weekend. it should be pretty cool. i think. life is soooo good to me now,
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March 6,1999-Hmmmmm what a great start to the weekend..been with my ladylove since early yesterday morning. slept some and had a great time playing pool at the local discotech i'm enthralled with my position in life. yet cannot get over my feelings of expecting betryal. Steph's getting me over that though.. she's such perfection for me. were alot alike but the differences make things completly surreal in retrospect. i dunno. i think i'm talking crazy. swimming in euphoria.. otherwise. i hear my brotheres house was robbed. kinda worried, but i'm left without any real information on it,, anyway i'm starting to come down from the natural drugs in my system. so i should go before i get too self analitical.
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March 4,1999 -It's odd.. iv'e spent the day pacing. even cleaned everything in sight.. though i haven't had the urge to leave the house yet.. it's been a very productive day as far as music goes. iv'e been inspired by a girl. a girl that i have dramed of being with for a few years. the chance is mine.. if only i wasn't afraid of myself i would have to say that my life is great. as is. don't you ever think about how your own words and actions have effect on those around you? don;t you know how it feels to look around and think, "what do these people think about me".. you know that if you asked that you would question a persons response, no no that's silly. why would anyone have pourpose t lie to your face about what they think of you.. i guess that's part of the lasting damage from my last relationship. when things went downhill she started saying things merely to make things more convenient, in the end. that hurt alot... i had a long talk with thorin today. we were discussing what i want to do with my life. i want to go to school. i want to be a person who gets out of the house more often. i want to be me without the fear of what others think.. i want to have more to say.. well, i'm kinda bummed cuz Steph didn't drop by today and jim was on the net all day. and i don't even have a phone number for her.ah well. i can't let myself get too intense, it's only been a day since iv'e seen her last. i'm such a sap.
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March 3,1999-How can i ask for anything better in my life..today was a butterfly in my stomach that i would let touch the sun. i dont think it would burn.. i spent all day with a woman that i would very much like to know better. it seem's since forever that i realized what a beautifull person she was. and in a recent and short period of time things have been happining (as if planned) in a way that i as of yet have not fully comprehended.. .. Things from here will only get better as she welcomes me back to life..
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